I Have Some Beef With...

Platform Flip Flops

Ladies, do you own a pair of these? There's a good chance that you were really excited about receiving them as a gift for your 14th birthday. You wore them to a few pool parties, and once you even tried to dress them up to go out to dinner. Hopefully, though, after you did that, you threw them in your fireplace and watched them burn into a sticky heap of toxic smelling nylon and rubber. They're arguably more appealing that way than they are on the feet.

*This charming sicko thought it would be cute and silly to wear them on her wedding day. Where is her husband? Undoubtedly freebasing crystal meth in the garage.

I don't want to ostracize anyone here. That's not the intention. As a five foot eight inch individual it's hardly a stretch for me to understand the appeal of looking taller than you actually are. But there are more reasonable ways to go about this than purchasing a pair of these and looking like you are walking around on two freshly baked pound cakes.

*Somebody call Child Protective Services right fucking now.

What is the Big Deal With...

Black & White Cookies

Oh, black & white cookies... If only you could taste as delicious as you look. Even this artistically composed photograph makes me wish I liked you. The boredom of biting into you is surely one of the biggest let-downs of the Modern Age. Your lemony taste is an unexpected and ultimately unpleasant surprise for me. I want you to act more like a dessert and taste like a piece of cake with chocolate and vanilla frosting. Does anyone actually like these things? I never see people eating them. If I have to venture into classic cookie territory, I am much more inclined to go the Linzer Tart route, a decision which I'm sure will be met with as much scathing criticism as my opinion of black & whites. Any proponents of these deceitful little cookies, come forward. Make your case.

My Problem With

Shakey Hands

Since a very young age, I have been plagued with a drastic case of shakey hands. Its predominant side effect is photographs that look like the one pictured above. The problem is bad enough that not even auto-focus stands a chance against me. My hands' violent determination to twitch as if I just snorted thirty lines of Drain-O renders the clever feature utterly useless.

In addition to blurry images, I also have an extremely difficult time taking the first two sips of a martini. As a result of my unwillingness to pull the classic, hands free "mouth to the glass and suck" move, more than a few delicious cocktails have adorned my lap on account of my crack-addict like appendages. And Jenga. Don't let me near your game of Jenga.

The Enigma of Penn Station

Below the streets of New York City lies the hot, pulsating monster of Penn Station. Upon stepping off the train you are immediately plunged into a world of sensory overload as the brain melting heat hits you in the face like a soaking wet pillowcase. As you ascend the escalator into the main terminal you are met with a classic array of New York City aromas. A pungent bouquet of steaming pizza, homeless urine, gooey Cinnabuns and putrid body odor waft into your nose like the perfume of a depraved madman. Do not be discouraged though, because if you can manage to navigate your way through the obstacle course of crying children, Long Island guidos, and crystal meth addicts, the vibrant streets of Manhattan are just within your reach.

Something New!

Greetings loyal Hen House residents! I'd like to direct your attention to an exciting new endeavor called Imaginary Sex, my new blog where we can surmise what it might be like to sleep with different celebrities and cultural icons. Your input, humor, suggestions, debauchery, philosophical musings and perverted tendencies are welcome and encouraged! Come sign up as a follower, i'll see you there!

http://imaginarysex.blogspot.com/

Scott Hove

Scott Hove is in the business of cake sculpture. Cake sculptures with fangs.

Emily Eveleth

Here's one for all you big Jelly Donut fans out there. Emily Eveleth covers huge canvases with paintings of jelly donuts that ride the line between luscious and grotesque.

Often evoking the feel of excess flesh, open wounds and blood, she strangely manages to still make you hungry.

Susan Rothenberg

Folks, when it comes to art, I generally have a strict Anti-Horse Art policy. There is something about a painting or sculpture of a horse that makes my stomach feel like its housing a family of angry millipedes. But there's one artist I just gotta make an exception for, and that's Susan Rothenberg. When it comes to Horse Art, she's just got it.

Her sparse use of color and abrasive application of paint make her monochromatic horses read more as bizarre, dead looking constructions that might come out of your closet while you're sleeping at night. Pretty great.

You Gotta Watch...

Man Vs. Wild

With Bear Grylls

Certain individuals exist in today's society that are a special breed of insane. This breed does not include standard issue craziness such as frantically talking to yourself or putting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in your pockets. The type of insanity I am referring to transcends these base-level, novice crazy-person habits and enters a realm in which people deliberately throw themselves through the ice of a sub-zero frozen lake in Antarctica, or drink the blood that's pouring from the freshly slit throat of a reindeer they've tied to a tree. It's the type of lunacy that encompasses feasting on the carcass of a dead zebra that has just been ravaged by a pack of lions, or drinking the water you manage to squeeze out of a fresh ball of elephant dung. These individuals exist, and luckily for us, one of them has his own TV show on the Discovery Channel.

Man vs Wild with Bear Grylls is one of the most sick, twisted and unbelievably addicting programs I have ever come across in my 23 years of television watching, and it just keeps getting better. Every week Grylls plunges himself into the depths of a different nightmare situation, whether it be stranded in the middle of the Sahara Dessert, wading through the putrid swamplands of Scotland, or sliding down gargantuan vines next to a waterfall in the Amazon, Bear is always knee deep in the shit.

Some controversy arose when the media got wind that Grylls had apparently stayed in a hotel on a night when he was supposed to be sleeping atop the jagged face of the Sierra Nevada mountains. People felt betrayed, duped and disappointed. But considering earlier that day Mr. Grylls pulled a three foot salmon from a stream with his bare hands, and then ripped its spine out with his teeth, I'm willing to overlook the fact that he grabbed a shower at a Motel 8.

Sicko of the Week

Man guilty of groping Minnie Mouse at Disney

Bianca Prieto and Walter Pacheco, Sentinel Staff Writer 

9:22 AM PDT, August 11, 2009

A jury this morning found John William Moyer guilty of groping of a woman playing Minnie Mouse at Walt Disney World.

Moyer, 60, of Pennsylvania, was convicted of misdemeanor battery for the June incident this morning.

"The verdict reinforces the fact that this type of behavior is not acceptable," said Walt Disney World spokeswoman Zoraya Suarez. Disney officials also banned Moyer from entering any of the company's resorts, Suarez said.

According to the sentence, Moyer has to write a letter of apology to the victim, Brittney Duncan McGoldrick. He also is under supervised probation for 180 days, must complete 50 hours of community service within four months, pay $1,000 in court costs and submit to a mental evaluation with treatment, if necessary.

Before sentencing, Moyer's adult son spoke on his behalf.

"He's a good man," Emory Moyer said. "He's a nice guy."

Duncan McGoldrick testified that Moyer grabbed her private parts while "laughing creepily". "My first reaction was I just pushed him down. I was doing everything I could to get his hands off my breasts," Duncan McGoldrick said.

Have things really gotten this bad, John William Moyer, that you have given up on women and are now attempting to fuck giant rodents? What is the nature of the satisfaction you derive from caressing the felt covered breasts of a mouse costume? Was the "creepy laugh" really necessary, Moyer? What would you have done if she was into it? If she wanted to take things to the next level? I suspect your plan stopped with the grope, Moyer. I don't know if you were truly ready to have intercourse with a cartoon mouse.

Let's Address the Harsh Reality of...

Wet Sock

Socks are, by nature, comforting things. This quality extends beyond their primary function of shielding your feet from the insides of your shoes, and ventures into the realms of safety, warmth, nostalgia and the ability to comically slide around on floors in your own house. There are several things that exist within our universe that threaten those joyous socky attributes, but the most grave and horrifying one is unquestionably Wet Sock.

Contracted when a socked foot unintentionally steps into an unseen body of liquid, Wet Sock is the Code Red terrorist threat of the foot world. The feeling of disgust upon sensing the liquid saturate the sock's fabric generally shoots from the victimized foot through the individual's leg, traveling up the spine and resonating in the throat in the form of a tidal wave of nausea. It is not long before the reality of what is happening sets in, and panic ensues in the brain of the victim.

*Not looking good.

There are multiple forms of Wet Sock, each one more frightening than the next. The most common diagnosis is General Wet Sock, which signifies the unexpected placement of a socked foot into a small puddle of water. More serious, advanced cases include Double Wet Sock, in which the bottoms of both feet fall victim to said puddle. Even more dire is that of Wet Shoe Wet Sock, a mortifying occurrence in which the individual has shoes on, and those shoes become so wet that the unsuspecting socks beneath them suffer the same merciless saturation. Few are known to have survived this last severe manifestation of the condition.

Most cases of Wet Sock can only be treated in the full removal of the soiled pair, in which case clean replacements are generally available. But with a vigilant eye and the proper understanding of your surroundings, the ordeal can be avoided altogether. Good luck.

Start Getting Excited About...

The Fantastic Mr. Fox!

If you are a reasonable human being –and I'm sure you are– you love claymation. It's an art form that is being pushed deeper into the back of the closet as digital animation becomes more and more incredible. So when a claymation film gets picked up by a major production company and is given a very generous budget, it's an exciting thing and generally guarantees a great time.

This has happened, and will manifest in theaters this November in the form of The Fantastic Mr. Fox, an animated recreation of Roald Dahl's famous story about a group of angry farmers trying to kill the fox they suspect is eating their chickens. And guess what. It's directed by Wes Anderson, who also did things like The Royal Tenenbaums, The Life Aquatic and The Darjeeling Limited. And guess what else. George Clooney is Mr. Fox. Have you ejaculated yet? If not, get a towel. Meryl Streep, Bill Murray, Jason Schwartzman, Owen Wilson and a multitude of other Anderson cronies are the other animals. Willem Dafoe plays a rat. Wow.

Watch this fucking trailer.

You Might Wanna Watch...

Lord of the Flies

directed by Peter Brooks

This jarring adaptation of William Golding's famous novel delves deeply into the degradation of the human psyche, and watches as it transforms into that of a drastic, primal creature when faced with the most dire of circumstances. Its startling cinematography and frighteningly beautiful imagery create a truly visceral experience for the viewer. Very stunning.

I Have Some Beef With...

Espresso

Espresso, why do you have to be so unfathomably delicious and potentially deadly at the same time? While drinking you, you make me feel so cultured, noble, literary... European. But upon draining you from your cup, I begin to feel the onset of your potentially ruthless ways. My heart begins to pound at my sternum like some depraved, maniacal wolf banging upon the frail door of a timid, shivering pig. The smooth, savory sips of your robust being quickly subside to a jaw clench that threatens to send my bottom row of teeth clean through the roof of my dome. It's a delicate relationship we entertain, Espresso. I am careful not to cross you often, but like some steaming liquid siren, you send my will crashing, splintering upon the rocky shores of a caffeinated demise.

Did You Know?...

What "The Bends" Really Is?

Many of us have come to associate the phrase, "the bends" with the beloved contemporary musical group Radiohead, as the title of one of their more accessible, acoustically geared albums. But did you know where Mr. Yorke and Co. appropriated that title from? The bends, known more formally by its scientific title, Decompression Sickness is actually "a condition arising from the precipitation of dissolved gasses into bubbles inside the body upon depressurisation"?! In other words, your whole body turns into a shaken up soda can, and you explode from within!

In other words, "DCS is caused by a steep, fast-paced reduction in the ambient pressure surrounding the body, as may happen when:

1. Leaving a high pressure environment

2. Ascending from depth

3. Ascending to altitude"

Terrifying, right? Well get this: "Its effects may vary from joint pain and rash to paralysis and death."

An impressive range of utterly horrifying effects, indeed.

Steer clear, folks.

Say Cheese!

Clinton Smooth-Talks Jong-Il Into Releasing Two American Journalists

Proving once again what a stud he is, former President Bill Clinton hopped on a plane and cruised over to North Korea like some rogue 50 Cent, looking to scoop up two cute Asian women and bring them home. And surprise, surprise - he got 'em.

The news came as a significant surprise given North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il's propensity to act like a deranged sociopath. With a passion for nuclear weapons, fly sunglasses, and straight chillin', Jong-Il has exhibited a general sense of hostility towards the Western world that would have made the release of the two women seem like an outlandish impossibility. But apparently even he is subject to the saucy Southern swagger of Bill Clinton's game. Welcome home, ladies.

You Might Wanna Read...

The Castle
by Franz Kafka

A man known only as K. is beckoned to a Castle, and what pursues upon his arrival is a haunting, and deeply eerie struggle to gain entrance. Hushed whispers behind closed doors abound.

The novel is unfinished, as Kafka died while writing it, but what exists is a dreamlike and ultimately gripping story of a man up against an inscrutable and ominous force.

Sicko of the Week

Alumna sues college because she hasn't found a job

By Jason Kessler

CNN

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A recent college graduate is suing her alma mater for $72,000 -- the full cost of her tuition and then some -- because she cannot find a job.

Trina Thompson has sued her alma mater, Monroe College of New York.

Trina Thompson, 27, of the Bronx, graduated from New York's Monroe College in April with a bachelor of business administration degree in information technology.

On July 24, she filed suit against the college in Bronx Supreme Court, alleging that Monroe's "Office of Career Advancement did not help me with a full-time job placement. I am also suing them because of the stress I have been going through."

Thompson is also suing her gym, on account of her being fat. Expected in the Fall is a suit being filed by Thompson against her bed, as she has "extreme difficulty falling asleep".

Sculpture

These are some sculptures and installations I made in the past two years. Most of them (all of them?) touch on things like existential plight, lust and a general sense of "what the hell is going on?".

This is a collaborative piece done by me and Marc Calello. It's a life-size plaster cast of a human body which is hung upside down and suspended from several trees. Between the 8 zillion bags of plaster used to create it and its iron infrastructure it weighs in the neighborhood of 400 lbs.

The Freshness

SUPRA's

Not a whole lot of explaining to do here.

Some of the sexiest sneakers I've ever seen.

Flashy without being flagrant. Stylized without being gaudy.

Copp 'em.