Thursday, July 30, 2009

Roxy Paine at the Met

I suppose we should first address why this gentleman's name is Roxy, but for the time being, I'll just briefly discuss his work. This piece, called Maelstrom, is currently on view on the rooftop of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. 

Made of stainless steel, it is part of his ongoing series of "dendroids", tree-like sculptures that blur the lines between the organic and the mechanical. There is an interesting dichotomy that exists between the form and the material used to create it, but mostly it's just cool to look at. Preferably if you can sit next to it with a cocktail.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

What I'm Looking Forward To This Winter

Yankee Candle Buttercream Candles

Do you ever find yourself wondering what it would be like to nonchalantly stroll into the kitchen of a bakery and stick your whole head into a vat of cake batter? I know. Me too. But this past winter, I found a way to circumnavigate the messiness of that endeavor while still reaping the exquisite benefits it would have provided! Yankee Candle's Buttercream scented candles!

Imagine yourself swimming naked through a pool of cupcakes, only to emerge under a creamy, vanilla frosting waterfall. "This is the life," you think to yourself as sprinkle coated dwarves shake powdered sugar onto your dessert-ridden body. That is the experience you're in for when you spark one of these delectable bad boys up. An orgy of the most delicious kind, without the calories.


Folks, I know this must be a hard time for all of you, what with the recent breakup of TV personality Kim Kardashian and New Orleans Saints Running Back Reggie Bush. It's rough on all of us. "Look at that handsome couple!" we used to say of them. Or of Reggie: "I didn't know someone could have a 20-pack of abdominal muscles!" Or of Kim: "Why is she famous again?" Well guess what. You can have a 20-pack. And this is why Kim is famous.

But that's not the point!

The point is, this was one of America's power couples, people! Two unfathomably attractive & wealthy individuals conquering the world together! It's bad enough that Brangelina is on the rocks! What's next? Posh and Becks are going to cast themselves off the upper tier of the Eiffel Tower? Beyonce is going to slip HOV a rufie and make off with his bling!? I can't take the suspense!

All we can do is hope, folks. Hope that these superstars don't continue to crumble under the weight of their own well-toned bodies. Otherwise, we are going to be hard up for eye candy in the lovebird department.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Good Luck Against This Sassy Lady

Can you imagine being attacked by a shark? The terror that must surge through your body upon feeling that initial bump against your leg is pretty unfathomable! "I hope it's just a big piece of driftwood," you're thinking. "Or a giant seahorse!" But it's not. It's a 5,000 lb. fanged beast from the depths of Hell.

Should you find yourself facing an imminent encounter with a shark - unless it involves a) taking the shark out to dinner, b) having a shark as a penpal, or c) driving cross country with a shark you have known since high school - try to remember some of these helpful tips from National Geographic that may save your life and/or limbs:

1. Stay away from dead animals in the water. This is a big one, so all you fans of using dead animals as floatation devices while relaxing in the ocean may want to consider purchasing an inner tube.

2. If attacked, kick and strike the shark. Preferably in the gills or eyes. Remember those five karate classes you took when you were in 3rd grade? It's time to put those well-honed skills to work. Should a twelve ft. shark be charging at you at 15 mph with razor sharp fangs bared, implement your best underwater roundhouse kick to its face. That should work.

3. Avoid urinating. If you must, only do so in small amounts. If you must defecate, do so into your hand and throw it as far as possible. Do the same if you must vomit. Sharks love German pornography. It's a widely accepted belief in the scientific community. So should you have to excrete any of their favorite bodily substances, it's best to obscure where they are coming from, so as to not have the shark approach you under false pretenses.

4. Keep your clothing on. Historically, sharks have attacked unclothed swimmers more frequently. Good news for those of you who love swimming in the ocean fully dressed! You are statistically less likely to have to fist fight a shark. Sharks are perverts. This is the reality. So if they see that you are splashing about, naked and carefree, they are going to try to fuck/kill you. It's best to avoid this possibility altogether, and wear a three piece suit while swimming.

5. If you are bleeding (including menstruating), stay on the beach. Sharks can smell blood from over a mile away. Sorry, ladies.

These are just a few pointers that may wind up being of some use to you should you be approached by a grumpy shark. Naturally, it is best to try to reason with the shark first. Present your side of the story in a calm, rational manner and - if the shark was brought up well - it should understand.

*This young man successfully utilized Step 2 against this 4,500 lb. Great White, walking away unscathed from a 1st round knockout.

Watch This Film


I know what you're thinking:

"I would rather put my face in a waffle iron than watch a movie starring Jean Claude Van Damme."

Luckily, that won't be necessary. "JCVD" is to Van Damme what "The Wrestler" was to Mickey Rourke. Sweet, utter redemption. Allow me to provide a succulent taste. Mr. Van Damme plays himself: a mostly disrespected, broken down action star, who inadvertently finds himself entangled in a bank heist gone awry. Poignant, brilliantly written and edited, and gorgeously filmed, this is not the Van Damme movie you're thinking of. It is captivating from start to finish, and - hold on to your seats, folks - contains one of the best monologues I've ever witnessed in a film. Enjoy.

"He deserves not a black belt, but an Oscar."
-TIME Magazine

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Something Incredible...

Lolita: The Audio CD
Read by Jeremy Irons

If reading Lolita wasn't quite creepy enough for you, try having Academy Award Winner Jeremy Irons read it to you. Scintillating, indulgent, and just plain wrong feeling, this audio version of Nabokov's infamous novel is a sure way to get your blood circulating.

"Language is essential to Lolita, and Mr. Irons captures Humbert's voice perfectly."
-New York Times

"Lolita is one of the best works of fiction available on tape. Irons becomes the lecherous Humbert so effectively that this stunning and uncensored production will make your ears tingle."
-Boston Globe Sunday

“Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.”

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I'm A Sucker For...

Things Mondrian

Mondrian Cake by Caitlin Freeman, Pastry Chef at San Francisco Museum of Modern Art

Mondrian Platforms by Christian Louboutin

Glass Mondrian Vase by PO

Mondrian Collection by Yves Saint Laurent

Monday, July 20, 2009

Raisin Bran Crunch

This is a contender for my favorite cereal of all time. Not only does it provide the wonderful illusion of eating something relatively healthy, but it also has raisins in it! Serve in milk, naturally. For optimum cleanliness, use a spoon.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

May I Recommend...

The White Stripes Radio on Pandora

The White Stripes are phenomenal. This is a fact of life that, if you haven't already, you must accept, embrace and scream from the rooftop of your home. They nail their minimal, straightforward approach to bluesey rock & roll, peppering their raw sound with mouth watering drum beats courtesy of Meg White and raspy, well-written lyrics a la Jack. And if you think that sounds good, wait till you hear what accompanies them on their Pandora station. Enjoy.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009


These are some recent-ish oil paintings. Some larger than others. Most of them are addressing issues of composition and line and whatnot, but wind up reading aesthetically as deteriorated cityscapes, which is fine by me. I'll be posting a few more here and there throughout the week. Feedback is welcome. Enjoy.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


After the disaster that was Season 5, I tuned in to HBO this past Sunday at 10:30 in hopes of seeing Entourage, a potentially excellent television series, do something to redeem itself. I wasn't wholly let down.

The Season 6 premier was entertaining and succeeded at regenerating some sort of interest in the goings on of the characters. Vince appears to be back on top (with an ominous hint of 'maybe not for long'), Turtle is still participating in a strangely reciprocated romance with Jamie Lynn Sigler, E is still a son (which I suppose is to be expected and shouldn't detract from the enjoyment of viewing) and Drama now owns a bar, which he delightfully named after himself.

I noted several aesthetic changes to the show, mostly regarding wardrobe. Ari's tie-knots have slimmed down from the bulbous mass of fabric he sported in the first 5 seasons to a more stylish, subdued, but still commanding double-windsor. And as always, there are scant words to describe the amazingness of the suit he was wearing. E seems to be dressing like less of a herb (presumably due to the several pounds he seems to have lost) while Vince continues to look dressed by someone slightly smarter than him. Drama and Turtle are doing more of the same. (It should be noted that Turtle, too, has lost a significant amount of weight).

The problem with the show is not the plotline or the characters (well, maybe it's some of the characters). The problem is the writing. With the exception of Ari Gold and Johnny Drama, there is this ongoing, seemingly inescapable mundacity buried at the heart of everyone's lines. There is no fire. It is important to come to terms with the fact that, aside from the bad writing, Adrian Grenier is a pitiful actor. He is bland, unconvincing and overly rehearsed. E, still, is just a son.

The first episode was not as bad as I thought it might be, maybe it was even good, but we'll see what happens.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

May I Recommend...

The Hugh Jackman

If you're feeling like maybe you want to experience the sensation of vivacious, nerve tickling adrenaline coursing through your circulatory system combined with the no-bullshit gusto of contemporary actor Hugh Jackman, this is the cocktail for you.

Perhaps you've been casually sipping some delicious Stella's for the past several hours, and suddenly experience the primal inclination to take things up a level. A Hugh Jackman makes for a perfect segue into that accelerated state of amazingness.

What You Need:
Jack Daniels
Club Soda
Red Bull

Portion ingredients out to your liking, serve over rocks in a highball glass, squeeze in the juice of a lime wedge and get on board.


Saturday, July 11, 2009

Antony Gormley

Gormley makes some of the most visually engaging work I've ever seen. Dealing with the human figure in a plethora of materials, he creates technically awe inspiring sculpture ranging from the small to the massive. This is just a taste of his stuff. It was hard to pick only a few. You should google this guy.

Friday, July 10, 2009

May I Recommend...

The Meg Ryan

The epitome of a refreshing summer cocktail, a Meg Ryan consists of 2 parts Vodka, one part club soda and a splash of Pellegrino Limonata (which can usually be found at most major supermarkets and Italian delis).

Fill a cocktail glass with ice, add liquid ingredients, garnish with a lime and get ready to have your socks knocked off by a wave of deliciousness.


Louise Bourgeois

Louise is pretty much an essential name drop when it comes to the sculpture world. In her 90's and still making work, she embodies the spirit of an OG, cranking out massive, ambitious pieces that speak to the subjects of gender, nostalgia and family.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Berlinde De Bruyckere

Bruyckere is from Belgium and creates sculpture which blurs the lines between human and creature. Her deformed figures are at once frightening but also manage to emit an interesting sadness about them. Primarily using wax, epoxy, metal and wood, she succeeds at presenting the viewer with forms that have either undergone or are experiencing some sort of drastic mutation.

Cecily Brown

Sassy British painter Cecily Brown creates visceral, tasty looking works that speak to elements of both chaos and eroticism. The saturated canvases evoke racy, fast paced orgies of mostly indecipherable imagery. Very sexy. Very luscious.

Anselm Kiefer!

German painter Anselm Kiefer creates stark, inhospitable environments by employing heavily textured application of paint as well as the incorporation of alternative materials onto the canvas itself. Utilizing mediums such as emulsion, tar, wood and straw, Kiefer depicts scenes of scorched earth; landscapes that have undergone some form of traumatic apocalypse. The imagery is strikingly similar to that described by McCarthy in his novel, The Road.

Welcome Home

She speaks eloquently on the ocean floor
Accurately pronouncing saturated syllables
Only bottom dwellers listen:
Coffinfish and Giant Squid

New Work

Paintings... Coming Soon.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

May I Recommend...

This is McCarthy at his most sparse and haunting. Emotionally charged, heart wrenching, gorgeous prose. Evokes images of desolation like nothing I've read before. Quick, gripping and powerful. Check it out.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Cy Twombly


Friday, July 3, 2009

Alex Kanevsky!

Nice example of abrasive application of paint with a sick understanding of color relationships and the ability to create form through bold, gangster juxtapositions of pigment.

His paintings are featured in Charlie Kaufman's Synechdoche New York . Most miserable film ever created. Phil Seymour Hoffman never ceases to access lower levels of sorrow.


"In a rambling, borderline bughouse decoupage of sports metaphors and intimations that the forces of darkness were running her out of public life, Sarah Palin announced today that she had decided to step down as Alaska's governor, and would be leaving office on July 26th."

The Midnight Approach

Shot using a Flip Mini DV Recorder
Edited in iMovie

A Hole-y Mouth

Currently in the mental preparation stage as the merciless removal of my intrusive wisdom teeth looms on the horizon like a twisted, cloaked harbinger of copper flavored blood, writhing in some primal dance on the apex of my masticatory apparatus.

"They are growing in at a troubling angle", casually remarked the dentist, noting the elegant 35ยบ slope at which my molars are protruding through my gums like indifferent volcanoes, forcing their way through the ocean floor because that's what they're programmed to do.

Alas, the rear lower corners of my chewing machine feel to be the victim of an impromptu elephant stampede; the pain having no reservations about forging beyond my mouth and all the way into my neck like a depraved Lewis & Clark clawing their way through my unsuspecting nerve endings.

Resistance, at this point, seems insane.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Folkert De Jong

Folkert de Jong is Dutch, and uses styrofoam and lots of messy toxic liquids to make wonderfully scary comments on Colonialism, class structure and the deterioration of history. All around snazzy stuff.