Friday, November 20, 2009

An Impending Dilemma

Since the year 2000, we have enjoyed the luxury of wearing glasses that are shaped like the numbers of whatever year it is on New Year's Eve.

The symmetrical perfection afforded to us by the two adjacent zero's in the middle of the numbers has left us spoiled. It was one less thing to worry about for the coming 12 months. We got comfortable, we felt a sense of security.

*Living in the moment

But now, as December 31st rapidly approaches, along with it comes a challenge to the very foundation of our great American tradition: 2010. Not unlike the buildup towards Y2K, the knowledge that our eyes will no longer fit naturally into the middle of the coming year is sowing seeds of anxiety into the minds of this nation. And rightfully so. How do we expect to harvest any form of success in our resolutions if we cant wear the year on our face as we watch the ball drop? The prospects look grim.

*He senses it...

Surely in this country of innovators, design teams are working around the clock to come up with something to rescue us from this inhospitable reality. Yes, some prototypes exist, but I'm afraid to think that's as good as it's gonna get.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Some Thoughts On...

Shooting a Deer
Having lived in New Paltz for five years of my life, quite a few times did I find myself enjoying a leisurely drive through the mountainous outskirts, peacefully careening around the tree-lined bends, and happily enjoying the picturesque scenery that surrounded me, only to be thrust into temporary panic mode upon being forced to recklessly swerve my car directly off the road in an effort to avoid hitting a usually large, adorable, and presumably retarded deer.

Behind their huge, solid color, cartoonishly handsome eyeballs is a brain that prevents this unfortunate mammal from understanding the potential consequences of being struck by a speeding vehicle. It's almost as if they are daring you to hit them. But when it comes down to it, nobody wants to deal with the reality of crashing into a deer. I've been fortunate enough to avoid such a fate thus far, but that is not to say I haven't seen many a destroyed front bumper from a highway run-in with these wobbly-legged creatures.

I'll come right out and say it. I like the look of an animal's head hanging on a wall. No decorative sconce or tastefully framed landscape painting can fill a room with the rustic esteem imparted by the suspended head of a decapitated bear, or the majestic protuberance of a smiling moose face. These are one of a kind accouterments for your wall that are quite simply in a league of their own. Now at this point you may be saying to yourself, "Eric, you piece of shit. I thought you were an animal lover." And you are right, because yes I am. But as I have little to no control over the untimely demise of these unfortunate, sometimes endangered creatures, I have no choice but to bypass the grieving stage and embrace what remains of them as unique decorations for the home.

Now when it comes to deer, there's no denying (even for the most utterly devoted of conservationists) that this particular animal is vastly overpopulated. Strolling about wherever they like, eating my friend Marc's bushes in his backyard, deer appear to have no respect for anyone. And while nobody is particularly interested in hitting a deer with their car, there are an inordinate amount of people attracted to the idea of shooting one with a gun. Many would not think twice about settling the crosshair of a high caliber rifle directly over Bambi's heart and sending a streamlined chunk of metal speeding into their internal organs. I can't say that if given the chance I'd pass up on this interesting opportunity either. I'd like to think though, that I'd be somewhat selective about the deer that I killed. Preferably it would be one that is not very well liked in the deer community. Boring, inconsiderate, perhaps counterproductive to general deer well-being. This is the one I would take down. And I would hang his head over my couch, where he could finally be of some use to someone.