Monday, July 27, 2009

Good Luck Against This Sassy Lady

Can you imagine being attacked by a shark? The terror that must surge through your body upon feeling that initial bump against your leg is pretty unfathomable! "I hope it's just a big piece of driftwood," you're thinking. "Or a giant seahorse!" But it's not. It's a 5,000 lb. fanged beast from the depths of Hell.

Should you find yourself facing an imminent encounter with a shark - unless it involves a) taking the shark out to dinner, b) having a shark as a penpal, or c) driving cross country with a shark you have known since high school - try to remember some of these helpful tips from National Geographic that may save your life and/or limbs:

1. Stay away from dead animals in the water. This is a big one, so all you fans of using dead animals as floatation devices while relaxing in the ocean may want to consider purchasing an inner tube.

2. If attacked, kick and strike the shark. Preferably in the gills or eyes. Remember those five karate classes you took when you were in 3rd grade? It's time to put those well-honed skills to work. Should a twelve ft. shark be charging at you at 15 mph with razor sharp fangs bared, implement your best underwater roundhouse kick to its face. That should work.

3. Avoid urinating. If you must, only do so in small amounts. If you must defecate, do so into your hand and throw it as far as possible. Do the same if you must vomit. Sharks love German pornography. It's a widely accepted belief in the scientific community. So should you have to excrete any of their favorite bodily substances, it's best to obscure where they are coming from, so as to not have the shark approach you under false pretenses.

4. Keep your clothing on. Historically, sharks have attacked unclothed swimmers more frequently. Good news for those of you who love swimming in the ocean fully dressed! You are statistically less likely to have to fist fight a shark. Sharks are perverts. This is the reality. So if they see that you are splashing about, naked and carefree, they are going to try to fuck/kill you. It's best to avoid this possibility altogether, and wear a three piece suit while swimming.

5. If you are bleeding (including menstruating), stay on the beach. Sharks can smell blood from over a mile away. Sorry, ladies.

These are just a few pointers that may wind up being of some use to you should you be approached by a grumpy shark. Naturally, it is best to try to reason with the shark first. Present your side of the story in a calm, rational manner and - if the shark was brought up well - it should understand.

*This young man successfully utilized Step 2 against this 4,500 lb. Great White, walking away unscathed from a 1st round knockout.


  1. Reading this article made me realize just how perverted sharks are. My favorite time to go swimming is coincidentally after I participate in my weekly german Scheizzer Orgies on the beach. I can't remember the last time I went into the ocean not covered in my own piss and blood no less some german stranger's doo doo butter. Do sharks eat people in little miss muffet outfits?

  2. Un be knowns to me whean i swam that five K down at the jersey shore in my Ralf Louren tux that i got on sail from Lord and Tailors, i was actualy safe gaurding myself from some sort of shark rape.