Monday, September 28, 2009

Are You Kidding Me With...

Tom's of Maine Toothpaste

The first time I ever used Tom's of Maine toothpaste I almost threw up. That's how I wanna start this off. I almost threw up. And not because of a disgusting taste. In fact, I think if Tom's of Maine toothpaste had any less taste, I would actually fall asleep while using it. No, in fact, the reason for my unpleasant visceral reaction was full blown sensory overload at the bland, pasty horror that had penetrated my mouth. My body convulsed and my natural reaction was to double over and attempt to forcefully eject not only the contents of my masticatory apparatus, but also of my now Tom-tainted insides.

What is your fuckin problem, Tom? Do you know that your toothpaste feels like heartbreak? That upon touching the coated bristles to my teeth I die inside? Or are you so wrapped up in your comfy Northeastern lifestyle that you've let your mental investment in your paste wither and crumble?


  1. Ok, so here it is. SOME of us NEED an alternative toothpaste due to allergies, and did you ever wonder why that Aquafresh you love has so much of a taste? could it be all the added sugars & flavors that are probably contributing to your cavities? (ok, so i don't know if that's true, but it could be.) Aren't you the one who likes Arm & Hammer toothpaste? blech. Stop using my toothpaste if you hate it so much!