Tom's of Maine Toothpaste
The first time I ever used Tom's of Maine toothpaste I almost threw up. That's how I wanna start this off. I almost threw up. And not because of a disgusting taste. In fact, I think if Tom's of Maine toothpaste had any less taste, I would actually fall asleep while using it. No, in fact, the reason for my unpleasant visceral reaction was full blown sensory overload at the bland, pasty horror that had penetrated my mouth. My body convulsed and my natural reaction was to double over and attempt to forcefully eject not only the contents of my masticatory apparatus, but also of my now Tom-tainted insides.
What is your fuckin problem, Tom? Do you know that your toothpaste feels like heartbreak? That upon touching the coated bristles to my teeth I die inside? Or are you so wrapped up in your comfy Northeastern lifestyle that you've let your mental investment in your paste wither and crumble?