Fall is Imminent!

Look at that picture. Tell me that shit doesn't get you excited! There's no two ways about it, folks. Autumn is my favorite season. Yes, I love the scenery, and the cool, crisp air, and the fact that my underwear is no longer clinging to my inner thighs like a wet napkin. But those are just the concrete foundations of my passion for this truly remarkable time of year. What I really get amped about are the things that Fall enables me to do. Like drink Pumpkin Spice Latte's from Starbucks (yes, I feel gay ordering them), and wear hoodies all the time, and light candles that smell like desserts. This is the meat of the season, man.

Look at these things. These are Pumpkin Spice Kisses. Are you kidding me? By the end of the season I am going to look like the mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape. But I don't care! And that's why I love this time of year. The clothes, the treats, and the reckless abandon of all ethical standards.

Godiva Truffles

There are three boxes that, if I see them, make me liable to physically harm anyone trying to prevent me from reaching them. These boxes are: pizza, Dunkin Donuts, and Godiva Truffles. While the first two are somewhat lacking in class and sophistication, the third is pure, delicious snobbery. Is there anything so amazing as these little balls of sinful delight? Ugh, sheer decadence. They make me adore flavors that I don't even like, like coconut, and banana. Yeah, that's right. Godiva makes a fuckin Strawberry Banana truffle. It takes the form of a dark chocolate shell with white chocolate cross-hatching lusciously draped across the top. Give me a gun. Meanwhile, the Spring Raspberry truffle tastes like you are getting a hand job in a field of fresh fruit. It's unreal.

Savoring has never been my strong suit, but with these, to eat more than two in one sitting is really not appropriate. It would be like buying an 15 year old Scotch and drinking the whole bottle in one night. (I had to learn the hard way.) The French Vanilla Truffle? Oh, man. Rich, French vanilla cream enrobed in dark chocolate with toffee coated hazelnut pieces sprinkled about its exterior. Biting into this thing and tasting the filling is pretty indescribable. If someone sucked God's dick, this is what would come out. It's ethereal. You can buy this shit at Barnes & Noble. Go see what I'm talking about.

*Pecan Pie Truffles. Tell me you wouldn't steal someone's child for a box of these.

What is the Big Deal With...

Black & White Cookies

Oh, black & white cookies... If only you could taste as delicious as you look. Even this artistically composed photograph makes me wish I liked you. The boredom of biting into you is surely one of the biggest let-downs of the Modern Age. Your lemony taste is an unexpected and ultimately unpleasant surprise for me. I want you to act more like a dessert and taste like a piece of cake with chocolate and vanilla frosting. Does anyone actually like these things? I never see people eating them. If I have to venture into classic cookie territory, I am much more inclined to go the Linzer Tart route, a decision which I'm sure will be met with as much scathing criticism as my opinion of black & whites. Any proponents of these deceitful little cookies, come forward. Make your case.

Scott Hove

Scott Hove is in the business of cake sculpture. Cake sculptures with fangs.

Emily Eveleth

Here's one for all you big Jelly Donut fans out there. Emily Eveleth covers huge canvases with paintings of jelly donuts that ride the line between luscious and grotesque.

Often evoking the feel of excess flesh, open wounds and blood, she strangely manages to still make you hungry.